We all want to be the best version of ourselves. So, we tend to ignore the bad things about us. Being judgemental is one of them.
You are judgemental, I am too. We all are.
We just don’t want to believe it.
“We are more than the bodies we inhabit,” Fawkes said. “They’re little more than clothes, and yet we judge so much by them.”
― Michael J. Sullivan, The Death of Dulgath
It took me a long time to accept this aspect of myself. I may not speak ill to anyone or try my best to make others feel good but I am judgemental.
You can be caring, nurturing, understanding, and soft-spoken but still be judgemental. Many people may judge me for these thoughts, but I also judge myself.
What does Judgemental mean?
According to Vocabulary.com —
Judgmental is a negative word to describe someone who often rushes to judgment without reason. The adjective judgmental describes someone who forms lots of opinions — usually harsh or critical ones — about lots of people.
But it’s not so easy to define something in one sentence. Like every other thing, being judgemental is nuanced. Some people judge others and some judge themselves.
If you are judgemental toward others, you’re disrespectful and making life hard not just for you but for others too.
Judgmental people will criticize everything about others but don’t look at themselves. But in the end, this trait can leave you without friends and alone. So, choose wisely.
The absence of judgment can be harmful mostly to ourselves.
If someone has done something in the past that shows they are not good for you, trust your judgment and keep your distance.
If you put yourself first sometimes and say no to things you're uncomfortable with, this will not make you bad.
Mostly in such cases, all the judgment is directed inwards.
You judge yourself for each harsh comment, for each no you say, and for everything you do.
Our goal should be to find that perfect balance.
To be able to judge without being judgemental not just to others but to ourselves.
Is Society Making Us Judgemental?
When we were all little kids, playing around and minding our own business, we subconsciously started picking up things from our adults.
We learn how to read, write, and also how to judge.
When I was a kid, I don’t remember having judgemental thoughts. Every other kid was your friend. Someone you can play with, and hang out.
As we grow, society feeds these thoughts into our brains. When was the first time when —
Someone called you fat and told you to lose weight.
Someone commented on your appearance- your color, your height, etc.
Made fun of any of your body parts or facial features like nose or ears.
If you wear glasses when was the first time people made fun of you for that?
If you are shy how many times were you told as a kid to speak more in front of others, be brave.
If you are a woman, how many times were you judged based on your clothes or called too emotional?
If you are a man, how many times were you judged based on your strength and your ability to hide emotions?
This list goes on and on.
Now, remember the first and last time you feel judged on anything. What was your age?
Now, remember the first and last time you judged someone else. Are you getting my point?
We see our adults and others around us making comments on someone, judging them, and somewhere along the way we start picking these thoughts.
We are taught to behave in a certain way, to follow some specific rules set by society. We start judging people socially and morally.
We judge their trustworthiness and sincerity. We judge how friendly, likable, and kind, the person seems as well as their intelligence, skillfulness, and confidence.
Self-judgment
Self-judgment results from thoughts individuals have about themselves and the meanings attached to those thoughts. The thoughts, hence, produce related feelings such as anxiety, anger, and depression. — Springer
I think we judge ourselves most harshly.
We set very high goals for ourselves and feel disappointed when it takes time to achieve them.
The weight we can’t lose, the stretch marks and cellulite, the muscle mass, our height, our face, hands, and legs, the test results and career choices, our job and salary package, the car you can’t buy or your house - we judge each and everything.
It is good to want to be better but we become harsh with ourselves.
We criticize ourselves for all these things and some others. Some of these are not even in our control.
I wish we could look in the mirror and don’t see any flaws. We all need that type of self-love.
Improve yourself at each step of your life but love yourself no matter what.
Where It All Starts
When you start looking at the children around you, you will start noticing these things in them too.
My one niece keeps saying things like “I don’t want butter, I don’t want to be fat”, and “My tummy is showing I’ll start exercising”.
She’s 4 where is she learning things like this from?
I asked her that and she said her teacher in their yoga class in school taught them that they should exercise regularly or they’ll get fat and sick. The teacher in itself was not fully wrong but we should be careful of how we say things to children.
And it’s not just for girls, boys are taught not to cry, and that they have to protect their sisters and wife. Earning a living is their responsibility.
Whereas girls are taught that stay thin or they won’t look pretty and that they have to learn household chores so they can be better wives and raise their children well.
I am not talking about our older generation. These things are still true.
We are teaching our younger generation to judge based on appearance, gender, sex, weight, and the color of their skin.
As we grow we learn what is wrong and what is right. We learn the prejudices of our elders and try to be better and we may rise above this social bias on our own at some level but what if we taught them that from the start?
How better society will be?
What Are We Doing About It?
Judge yourself not on your appearance but on how you treat others.
Try not to hurt anyone, and if you do apologize. Always apologize for your mistakes.
There’s always a better way of saying things. Instead of saying to someone you’ll get fat if you don’t exercise, say exercise to get fit, strong, and live a healthy life.
Teach the younger generation equality and how to be independent.
Teach them kindness and empathy.
It is our duty- none else’s.
Everything can be said in a way to not hurt other’s feelings. If you can’t find the words don’t say it at all.
This doesn’t mean we have to be nice to those who don’t deserve it. Be brave and bold, and stand up for what you believe in.
Be happy!
I’ll see you next week,
Sushmita